then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
