So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
