Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
