What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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