Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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