My liver just broke up with me...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
