im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
