i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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