I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
