saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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