i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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