This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
