Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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