i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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