You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize