I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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