I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
