can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She even gives head with a lisp.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
