You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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