she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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