I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it because I queefed?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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