Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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