Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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