i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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