The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
