I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
