Small penises have feelings too.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
