you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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