capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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