I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
