Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
