He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
bring money and cleavage
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
