If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
