If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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