I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Randomize
