she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
