I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
