True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
