i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
