Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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