I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize