i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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