I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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