'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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