If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
