Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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