come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
