Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize