well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
