i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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