Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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