If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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