ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
