I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Use "feeling words"
Yay
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
