Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
