U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
